lots of choices aren’t necessarily good

For years I felt like I made choices only after options 1-4 had become un-tenable and there was only number 5 left. Easy peasy. I then decided that it was my intuition that was leading me to let those first four go by because I knew the right choice was going to be available in the end.

Right now I’m faced with some choices that are probably the toughest I’ve ever had to deal with.

My mother is dealing with a brain tumor that has reasserted itself and caused more loss of ability for her. At the same time, my employer, a non-profit organization, is merging with another organization, and my job is not solidly located on the organizational chart yet. It may not ever make it, but I won’t know that until later this month.

Mom is not able to pay for the 24-hour care she needs, and one possible solution is for me to quit working and care for her myself. This would be difficult financially, but not impossible. It would be stressful on my family, as she would have to move in with us. Again, difficult, but not impossible. It would seem like the perfect solution if my job were to fall through… but:

To cover my bases in the event that I’m handed a severance package in August, I applied for a position with another local non-profit, and have a phone interview scheduled for tomorrow. They are probably eager to get someone hired, but I’m not sure I can make a commitment immediately. I do want to find out what’s going to happen on the current org chart first… and need to know if I’m going to have to step in with mom as well.

To make matters worse, two jobs I would LOVE to apply for just got posted at other places today, and the same challenges apply… should I put in a resume for those positions knowing I might be needed with mom? Or should I let them go and wait to see what my current job does, and then decide once that’s set?

My intuition says I need to let them go, but they would be great steps in my career – one in the field of fundraising, and the other in PR and communications. Of course it’s possible that those kinds of things will come along another time, but it’s just so frustrating that they are available NOW when I don’t know if I can realistically be available for them.

It’s times like these when I wish I were 7 years old and someone else made decisions for me.

Weeding the Garden While Wearing Pearls

I wanted to have a little time to myself tonight to not think about all the crap that has been on my mind lately,  so after the sun got behind the house a bit I pulled my rolling garden seat out of the carport and stationed myself in front of my front flower bed.  As I pulled the grass that has grown up amongst my hostas and periwinkle, I realized I’d left my faux pearl bracelet on. Somehow, it seemed like the perfect illustration of the way I feel.

Every day, I’m running into things that interrupt the life that I was feeling pretty good about. Weeds that are ruining the view that I was enjoying very well, thank you. I dig  my fingers in, get dirt under my nails, yank the intruders out by the root… but I know that tomorrow there will be more sneaky stuff that I need to get after.

Not only is my mom facing a recurrence of her brain tumor, but my daughter has some kind of respiratory challenge going on that we’re trying to get to the bottom of, and the non-profit agency I work for is merging with another agency and my job is at risk.

So some of the weeds I’m pulling every day are in the form of having to act as an advocate for my mom and daughter and their medical issues. I have found that asking questions and keeping track of appointments and medications is not all there is to being an advocate… I have also had to double-check prescriptions when doctors tell us one thing and do another, I have had to follow up when we are told that chemo appointments will be made and they aren’t, I’ve had to re-order records to be sent from one doctor to another when the promised work hasn’t been done by the office staff, and I’ve had to put my foot down about prescribing something when an actual diagnosis has not been made.

Just this last weekend my mom went home from the hospital with orders that said “no changes to meds” after the doctor who saw her three days earlier had told me himself that he wanted to increase her steroid to help with swelling in her brain. Because of that screw up, mom was immobile and disoriented the day after she went home. Had I not taken it upon myself to tell my sister to increase the dosage to what the doctor said he was going give her (I was out of town at the time) mom could have gone into a coma before we could get in touch with the doctor today to double check his instructions.

But I mentioned pearls, right? I guess what I see as the pearls is the positive attitude I try to maintain through it all. I don’t spend a lot of time stressing about it, I just do what needs to be done. It doesn’t do me any good (or anyone else, for that matter) to dwell on the challenges and wallow in my frustration and feel sorry for myself. Things just have to happen, and decisions need to be made… I just have to put on my pearls and dig in.

It had to happen

The Oldest has been driving since January, and today she got her first speeding ticket.  She’s never been good at accepting blame for anything, so this was a VERY difficult situation for her to deal with.

First, the spedometer must have been wrong in her car.  Then, perhaps the officer clocked the guy in front of her because “He was going the same speed” that she was.  But in the end (after she found out we weren’t angry with her) she admitted that she might need to slow down a bit.

She said she cried when he gave it to her, and he assured her that lots of people get tickets.  I think she was mostly worried that we would be upset.  I said hey, you’re paying for it, so why should it bother me??  And I was a speed demon when I was younger so I can’t throw any stones anyway.

Life lessons do suck, don’t they?

Absent but not idle

It’s disgusting how often I think of things I would like to write about, but don’t get anything written. My little spiral notebook rides around in my purse 24/7 – stickers of my beloved Johnny Depp affixed to the cover in hopes that they will lend me some encouragement. But all too often I think of things when I’m driving, or working or whatever… anyway, the moment passes and no notes are made. Damn you Johnny! Where are you when I need you!?

Right now, for example, I’d like to write about the failure of our federal government that is called No Child Left Behind… but I have to get my boy to bed. It’s a bit of a teaser, but rest assured I won’t be gone for long…

Even British People are Stupid

Sometimes I think the American public are some of the most ignorant and intolerant people on the planet. Okay, most of the time I think that. There are lots of reasons for this opinion – race relations, gay rights, the religious right… but I won’t get into all of them here. I want to focus on one specific genre of ignorance – that of parenthood.

As a parent, I see a lot of other parents do things I disagree with. Children drinking soda out of baby bottles. Children with pacifiers in their mouths when they are almost ready to enter kindergarten. Children out in public wearing just a diaper and a dirty t-shirt. Children not buckled into car seats in vehicles… the list is too long.

But I’m just disgusted by an article I found today about a couple of  shows in England that are produced for children under the age of six. One of the hosts is a lovely girl who has performed extensively in stage productions, and is a successful actress and entertainer. Oh yeah, and she also has a deformity in her right arm. She was born with it undeveloped below the elbow. But the article is not about her deformity, that’s not what disgusts me. Would you believe that the show has received “at least 25 official complaints” about her and her arm? And the CBeebies Television Network reports dozens more negative comments in chat rooms and blogs as well.

One of the complaints that is highlighted in the article is from a father that said that because of this show, he has been “forced to have conversations with his child about disabilities.” Really? Forced? And that is bad… um… how, exactly?? Does that guy make sure he never takes his child to the supermarket or the mall in case they might – god forbid! – see someone in a wheelchair, or a child who has Down’s Syndrome?

Most of the comments on the article itself were along the lines of “this is unbelievable!” and “those people are idiots.” But there was one comment from a women who said that THOSE commenters must not have kids. Here’s part of her comment:

“It’s very hard, as a parent, to have every social issue jammed down the throat of your kids before they even hit first grade. Kids need a certain level of emotion maturity and understanding to be able to MAKE SENSE of the things they see. Otherwise they can’t categorize it properly in their minds.”

Now, as most of you know, I do have children. Two teenagers and a four-year old. When my four-year-old asks why someone is in a wheelchair, I tell him because that person’s legs don’t work as well as his own do. Done. He doesn’t have an emotional breakdown or anything. In my opinion it is the mistake of some parents to pretend that kids can’t comprehend certain things, and try to shelter them from stuff that they, as parents, are uncomfortable about.

There is nothing wrong with being different. If children are exposed to the wonderful diversity of life and the people we encounter in it when they are young – by being “forced” to see it even – they will (hopefully) learn that not only is perfection of ability or appearance not attainable by everyone, it’s not necessary to be happy or successful.

What does that woman do when she sees a differently abled person while out shopping for Ho-Ho’s at Wal-Mart? Cover the kids’ eyes and drag them into the video games aisle until the emotionally-disturbing moment has passed?? Her ignorance, and that of the complainers referenced in the article,  will just be passed on to her children and create another generation of people who think everyone who is different is wrong. How sad.

Boy humor

I love being a mom.  A bit of a conversation I had with my son this evening:

Boy: “I tooted.”

Me: “Thanks for sharing.”

Slight pause…

Boy: “I love to toot.”

Louis CK

I commented on this guy’s site tonight because he’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in at least 37 days… and since the site asked me to leave my URL I had to get my butt over here and post something so it didn’t look like I was a slacker. Cuz, you know, he’s sure to be spending precious minutes out of his life to run over here and check out my brilliance.

NOTE: his youtube videos are full of f-bombs and other not-so-family-friendly language. So… bear that in mind.

Tangent:

Is it just me or does Angelina Jolie’s British accent rival Keanu Reeve’s for lack of believability?  At least she doesn’t make me want to stick pencils in my ears when she speaks. The sharp ends. Just sayin’…

Superheroes

Sometimes it’s hard to put a finger on why being a mother of a son is so much fun. Of course it’s different than mothering girls in very obvious ways – no time spent in the Pink Aisle at Toys R Us… no unexpected fingernail polish art on the bathroom floor… but having had both, it’s just a very interesting phenomenon, this Mom of Boy feeling I have at times.

On days like today, however, it’s easy to pinpoint the source of my pleasure. He decides on occasion, just because he’s funny, to wear one of his Halloween costumes to school. He has a couple of those one-piece suits that are kind of like pajamas. Actually, at our house they ARE pajamas. One is Optimus Prime, a transformer, and the other is a red race car driver suit. Dale Jr. I believe. It’s a conversation starter when he gets to his classroom, to say the least. I’m pretty sure he’s the only kid there whose mom lets him wear pajamas/costumes to school. Call me a free spirit. Or lazy. Whatever… it makes him happy.

Today when I dropped him off his friends gathered around to admire his costume even though this is, like, the 6th or so time he’s worn it to school… (and the mask – he had to take that too, of course). He didn’t even notice that I left without my usual hug and kiss. I couldn’t cramp his style… he had other boys to impress. Superheroes don’t need kisses.

Four year old food choices

G: “I’ve been thinking about… going to McDonald’s”

Not a hilarious statement on the face – but it’s just a different level of awareness for him. To know he’s “thinking about” something. Cracked me up.

And in case you’re listening, McDonald’s… he doesn’t like puppy toys, he likes “monster trucks, robots, or hotwheels.” Just FYI.

17 years of parenthood

17 years ago today, at 7:50 a.m., my first child was born. I remember 17 so well. More than any of her previous birthdays, this one is killing me.

When I was 17 I was hardly ever at home. I was in the drama club, so I spent a lot of time at school rehearsing. I didn’t spend much time with my family during that time.

When I was 17 I met the boyfriend I was with off and on for the next two years. Another reason I didn’t spend much time with my family…

When I was 17 “Sexy and Seventeen” was my theme song. The boyfriend took me to the Stray Cats concert and we got matching t-shirts. I wish I still owned mine. It wouldn’t fit me, but it would be kind of cool to let MY 17 year old wear it.

I don’t feel much older than 17 most days – just 17 with more responsibility. And a lot more experience… and a lot more confidence in who I am and what I’m all about. It feels funny to write that, actually. I’ve been unsure of myself for a long time so it has been kind of a fall-back to say that I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. But the truth is, I already know. And better than that – I am actually already that person, for the most part. I don’t think any of us should ever quit learning, growing, moving forward… but it’s really, really satisfying to know that I have accomplished a lot and that from here on out everything else is just the cherry on top.

When I say I’ve been unsure of myself, I don’t mean that I haven’t been self-confident. I think most people I have known over the last dozen or so years would say that I have always seemed very sure of myself and that I’ve had a lot of self-esteem. But what I mean is that although I have been optimistic and I have always looked to the future and had the expectation of success, I just haven’t known where I was headed exactly. I just did what came along and was the easiest thing to do at the time. I think I’m ready now, finally, to move forward with the confidence I need to do things that might not necessarily be the easiest things for me to do. I feel that I am more focused on reaching goals. SETTING them, then reaching them. Not just accepting whatever works at the time.

I’m working on a list – several actually. I am making a list of home-improvement projects I want to complete over the next six months to a year, and a list of books I want to read, and a list of writing projects I want to work on, complete, and send off to publishers. I can’t let another year go by and think “what did I DO last year??” At the end of 2009 I want to look back and say “Look what I did!” even if the projects didn’t come out as planned, or results weren’t achieved… I want to actually take action.