Wimmen

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No, I’m not writing anything myself this evening, but I honestly don’t think I could top this.  It is said to be a real letter from a consumer to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products.
It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. 

If she’s not currently working as a comedy writer, Jon Stewart should snatch her up.   Enjoy!!

********************************************************************

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of
the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the
human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during
your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must
know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps,Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants…
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes
of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out
my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to
the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say
something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or
‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

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