Remains of the day


My mom died in August after an eleven month battle with brain cancer. As most children do when a parent dies, I’ve been considering how to go about dividing up things of hers  amongst myself and my siblings. It’s going to be a chore, and will probably be pretty emotional at times, but my sister and I will be working together, so I think we’ll manage. And there will likely be a LOT of laughs as well…

Then there are the moments when something “big” happens… my kids’ milestones, my own celebrations of new jobs or whatever. I thought those might be difficult, but I have a seriously cool bunch of sibs who are just as giving and supportive as mom was about accomplishments, big and small. So, not a big problem so far.

But let me tell you what’s been difficult:

Finding mom’s contact info in my email account.

Scrolling through my phone contacts and seeing her name.

Looking for an old email and coming across the last ones I received from her.

These things are so painful. SOOOOOO PAINFUL!!! I can deal with the single moments. I can deal with sorting and putting away her favorite books or her photographs. The thing that is impossible, and that causes my breath to catch in my throat as I try not to sob, is not wanting to delete her name. Closing her cable account or turning off her internet connection is nothing really… but not having her name on my phone seems like it would be the end of the world. I cried the other night because I just wanted to call and chat with her.

I know the number on my sim card is not HER. Of course I do, I’m not delusional. But somehow, it is.


About Laurie

I have too many hobbies, but have finally learned (sort of) how to focus on one at a time and stifle my desire to add more. ;) I'm a mom, a wife, a writer, an artist, a seamstress, a gardener, a backyard-chicken farmer, a fundraiser, a movie-lover, a book hoarder, a junker, a thrift-store-shopper... I also love to laugh, make people happy, and take road trips. Some of these things make it into blog posts. I'm almost 50 and I'm still able to sleep through the night. I consider that a success.

3 responses »

  1. My friend Melissa’s contact info is still in Outlook and on my rolodex. Her birthday automatically pops up in my reminders. If I type the wrong combo of letters, her e-mail address is automatically filled in the TO field.

    Melissa died of pancreatic cancer in about 1999. I can’t delete her. And after a few years, her random popping up began to make me smile.

    Love you,

  2. Oh, my heart goes out to you!

    When you miss your mom and want to talk to her, try talking to her anyway. I did that after my mom died, and I still do 26 years later. It’s amazing how her responses come to me when I talk to her in my head. I think this is how they stay with us for the rest of our lives. It’s really a comfort to me, when I need her.

    much love,

  3. My heart breaks as I read your post. I’m lucky that I still have my Mom. She is now in nursing care with advanced dementia. When I had to face the fact that she could no longer stay on her farm, it was a progression until finally she required more care than I could give her. Having to make “final decisions” for her has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Hold your memories close and let go of only the things that hold no value to your life.
    joy c. at grannymountain

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